Although no official announcement has been made at this time, it is rumored that stars of the past, and way-way past, have been offering to perform at the festive Trump inauguration gala.

Headliners such as Clint Eastwood might be there and should he attend, it is said he promises another stellar performance tentatively titled “Talking to an empty chair that cusses back at me”.

Gossip has it that after dusk, Scott Baio of Happy Days fame will be doing a shadow puppet show at the Lincoln Memorial against the marble oblong pedestal upon which The Statue of President Lincoln sits. Obviously, this venue was selected in order to give our beloved, deceased president a bird’s eye view of this spectacle unfolding at his feet.

According to sources charged with rostering cosmic celebs to participate, the highlight of the event is speculated to be Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Senate majority leader, who will croon his parody of I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.

Fortunately, the inauguration’s advance team, at least we think it was them,  forwarded a copy of the first verse of his new rendition:

I’ve got a lovely bunch of Senate nuts
There they sit, huge egos all a-glow
A gay one, some straight ones, a few thrice wed.
Putin has voted, said while he gloated:
“You’re ours with no bloodshed.”